


The Best LU Fic Ever Written

by Annavanpie, Jinmukang, nerdiests, Sillus, Taelontherocks



Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Educational, Highrule, Hyrule is god, Jeremiah FUCKS, Legend and Warriors fluff, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Weed, breadbreadbreadbreadbreadbreadbread, chicken nuggets, dino nuggies, don't smoke your own supply kids, drugged chicken nuggets, jk Infinity War has nothing on us, lots and lots of weed, think of the children, this is the most ambitious crossover since Infinity War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21542221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annavanpie/pseuds/Annavanpie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinmukang/pseuds/Jinmukang, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdiests/pseuds/nerdiests, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sillus/pseuds/Sillus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taelontherocks/pseuds/Taelontherocks
Summary: No one ever saw the real threat coming for them, themselves.
Relationships: It's A Secret To Everyone
Comments: 21
Kudos: 84





	The Best LU Fic Ever Written

Once upon a time there was a man named Time, except his name wasn’t actually Time everyone just called him that because life dictates that he want to die every second of the day. He was an English Nobleman from the 1700s and he was married to a dragon named Jeremiah. Jeremiah was the local weed dealer of the village.

One day, the weed warehouse burnt down because Jeremiah sneezed too hard. Since the warehouse was filled with, well, _weed_ , everyone in the village ended up getting _really fucking high._ Jeremiah could see into the depths of the universe and what he saw deeply disturbed him. What he saw truly horrified him, for it was Mickey Mouse and Jonathan Joestar, clad in thongs made of swiss cheese, the true Gods of the universe. 

“And this kids, is why you don’t smoke your own supply.” Jeremiah said to their 600 children.

But he didn’t have 600 children, he had 300, he was just seeing doubles cuz he’s so freaking high. And honestly, he was doubting that most of those 300 children were his because is that even physically possible, maybe they were just mostly village children? 

They were not village children, they were all kidnapped children from around various time periods that Jeremiah’s evil twin stole and brought to Jeremiah in the dead of night. His evil twin was named Vladimir Putin, and he was stolen from his brother at a young age and raised in the woods by Spongebob Squarepants and Batman. Little did Vladimir know that pulling the strings, waiting in the wings for them all to turn on each other, was DONALD TR U M P.

You see, Time and Donald Trump are the biggest of rivals, they’ve been at each other's throats since 2 billion bc. At the beginning of their rivalry, Donald Trump - the motherfucker he was - decided to steal Time’s last slice of cake from his fridge, and ate it right in front of him with the biggest of grins on his face, while Time cried. Never before had Time been so angered by such an appalling act, the mere thought of it caused his blood to literally boil - Jeremiah likes to give him warm hugs to make him feel better.  
  
Then, out of nowhere, as if from the depths of space, JoJo Siwa appeared, the true identity of the creator of the Linked Universe AU, appeared, and flew on wings of fire at Donald Trump, for this was the secret of her stand ability; she was the 9th JoJo of the popular Japanese anime and manga series JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (@ jojo this is canon right). Jojo, much like their one true love Alexander Ovechkin, was dual wielding hockey sticks, coming towards Trump like the majestic train they were (as they were Wind the Tank Engine kin). 

Trump lifts his mighty accordion, and waves it widely, but wait—Wild comes out of nowhere to protect Jojo from the blow. Except, he fails, horrifically, due to forgetting he left his fucking oven on in his house, and he immedaitely turns around, screaming, and runs away like the little shit he is. Replacing Wild almost immediately is the best lad of them all, and the most handsome as well, the one and only Warriors, his scarf fluttering behind him as he lifts his sword and winks nowhere in particular - that’s for his One True Love, dinosaur chicken nuggets. 

It was then that Jojo realized the true extent of the monstrosity that she had created - for she was now completely in the control of six extremely chaotic beings that have come together for one reason. That reason was to collect the 6 chaos emeralds and become the super saiyan. Unfortunately for them, one of the chaos emeralds lay within the soul of Thanos, the leader of the LU discord, and the only way to get it back was to have a Mario Dance Dance Revolution d-d-d-duel.

They call Gandolf to ref. Gandolf calls in sick, and instead volunteers Dumbledore to step in all while Legend angrily throws popcorn at the entire scene--he’s rather disappointed in Gandolf. Dumbledore, however, was sadly dead (RIP in pepperonis Dumbledore), and to the surprise of simultaneously everyone and no one, the actual judge was deadass a loaf of bread named Silona that was obviously going to favor the stand in for the chaos emeralds, Hyrule, because this loaf of bread loved Hyrule so much and also the best (besides Warriors, can’t deny his gorgeousness you know). 

Thanos was displeased with this glaring disadvantage, but unfortunately for him there was nothing in the rule book saying that a loaf of bread that favored the competition could not be the ref of the tournament. But, feeling the truth of justice burning through his heart, wielding the sword of the She-Ra and riding an elephant-sized David Hasselhoff, rode Gyro Zeppeli, wielder of the stand Ball Breaker. 

And suddenly, Hyrule immediately decided instead of dancing for these fools, he was going to destroy the bloodline of everyone who stood in his path.

Jojo could not let this happen, she’s created life itself and she _cannot_ let one of her own creations destroy the bloodlines of the world she so loves; with a heavy heart, she lifts the infinity gauntlet. She snaps her fingers--and it oddly sounds just like the nintendo switch sound--except nothing happens. Jojo looks down at the gauntlet and gapes - there are no infinity stones - and she groans and collapses to the ground as Hyrule continues to go on to destroy the entire world and no one stopped him, for he truly was the best of lads, best of heroes. 

The world was gone, and Jojo weeped. But in the void, a hold over from the last world, Gyro Zeppeli reappeared, and with david hasselhoff, he expanded his body so exponentially that is toned, muscular, german body became the new land, and recreated the world; Gyro Zeppeli proclaimed himself the emperor of this new world and broke everyone’s balls. 

A glimmer of hope for the world appeared once more, on the back of Twilight Sparkle was Legend and Four, filled to the brim with indescribable rage, ready to destroy all the kneecaps of David Hasselhof and Led Zepplin. “Onward, my fair steed,” Legend calls, or he tries to but he cannot speak so he signs, accidentally letting go of the reins and falling off. Four rolls his eyes, muttering “amateur” under his breath as he takes the reins and doesn’t bother going to retrieve that stupid fucking moron. From the ground, Legend reaches out one hand desperately as Four rides away, and as he opens his mouth to speak - forgetting in that moment that he was unable to only seconds prior - Four beats him to it, saying, “Then perish, Legend.” 

Hyrule’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and his arms raised to his sides in a t-pose - suddenly a voice far too deep for this smol boy bellows out of his mouth - “THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.” Turning towards Warriors, Hyrule pointed to the sad scarf wearing weasel, “shoot him.” 

“Not _my_ sad scarf wearing weasel,” Legend howls, jumping from the ground, finally finding his voice when he sees his beautiful bb boi in trouble. He protectively jumps in front of Warriors, raising his arms in a measly t-pose--but it holds the same power as Hyrule’s despite being so puny. Warriors looks up at his savior, blinking a few times, before grinning, standing up, and even though people haven’t dabbed frequently since 2017 he did it anyways - he did it for the sake of seeing his True Love, dinosaur chicken nuggets once more - and the power of his rapid dabs helped Legend’s t-pose gain more energy, yeehaw. 

Legend radiates with power, and he turns to give Warriors a thumbs up, and immediately all of the power of his t-pose disappeared because he is a freaking dumbass and exited the pose.”LEGEND YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKWAD YOU DOOMED US ALL!!!!!” Warriors screeched like the banshee he is.

But, everything falls silent, for Hyrule watches the exchange between the two best bros and his heart grows three times that second, a single manly tear slides down his cheek and falls to the ground, sprouting a flower which grows into the hero of the universe: Jerimiah the weed dealer dragon.

“Sup?” Jeremiah asks as Hyrule begins full on weeping over the power of Bros. 

“Uwu, hewwo who’s thewe?” Warriors asks, letting the entirety of his accursedness free, because even if he is absolutely fucking drop dead gorgeous and deserves everything, he’s still a fucking meme and if anyone thought otherwise they were Miss Taken.  
  
Everyone dropped their weapons and glared at Warriors for talking like the bastard child he is. 

Warriors shrugged sheepishly, “im nyot going to apowogize fow being who i am.”

Marc Andrey Fleury appeared from the massive void, staring disappointed at the man who could have been their Captain in another universe, “Then *** **_PERISH_ *****!!!”

Not even Legend could bring himself to save the idiot named Warrior, so he stepped aside and peaced out, “see you on the other side, borther.” On the way out of wherever this is, he picks up the inconspicuous loaf of bread, deciding that he could probably use some company, even if it is just a loaf of bread. While Legend walked away, Warriors shut his eyes for presumably the last time, and thought that he _probably_ shouldn’t’ve fucking said that, but oh whatever it’s not like he really has control over his actions at this point because the author is switching every sentence and _yeah_ he knows that this isn’t really a real thing, but he’s going to enjoy being called gorgeous every once in a while - and his thoughts drift to dinosaur chicken nuggets again, for he just wished that he could have one of them once more…  
  
While warriors was standing there like a fucking fool, Marc Andre Fleury raised up his fuckin giant ass goalie stick and yelled “VIBE CHECK”. The world shook from the vibration of the legendary magic words. Sadly, for Warriors, he was not vibing and fell to the hands of Marc Andrey Fleury, the only true good goalie left in the NHL I FUCKINGHATEYOUPRICEFUCKYOUYOUSTUPIDBITCH!

And as Warrior’s agonized screams fade into the void, Twilight wakes up. He takes one look at the entire theme and, with a sigh, says, “This is so sad, Midna, play Malo Mart Theme.” And as the notes of the Malo Mart Theme start to play throughout the void, there’s a loud disembodied yell that no one can really recognize - it sounds sad, almost, but Twilight doesn’t really know what they would be sad about. Little did Twilight know, in a universe far from his, there were angry drunk sports fans about to burn down a city, because there were one too many riot jokes made on r/hockey.

Fire. All the irons in the fire, fuck you Vriska.

Sadly, since the dumbass author named Jin doesn’t know what Homestuck is, she will direct your attention to Mickey Mouse doing the tap dance. He’s surprisingly good at it, all while a certain _someone_ starts yelling about how bread is god is bread? SURPRISE IT’S JOHN MULANEY DURING HIS COMEDY SPECIAL KID GORGEOUS, ON NETFLIX, BECAUSE HE RECOGNIZES THE SUPERIORITY THAT IS LOAFISM AND THAT SILONA IS THE ONE TRUE GOD!!!!!!!  
  
Of course, even gods mean nothing to our one true savior, the pink puffball of death death, Kirby Kirby.

Thus ends the tale scribed by the illustrious and all too chaotic group of folks, including but not limited to Anna, who is really tired but happy to be here and also can’t do english right now. The trash can in the corner of the room, sitting beside Sky, suddenly burst into life revealing it was not a trash can at all...it was just Jeen, fuck Jeen. The Jin, not to be confused with Jeen the trash can, for she is an actual trashcan and she smells badly. The Loaf of Bread named Silona, that is currently hanging out with Legend, recalls that Gen has yet to return, and is saddened by the thought while also internally screaming about _not being a god you shit._ From their own corner of the void, Rhi cackles at the Loaf of Bread while they munch on dinosaur chicken nuggets - is that why Warriors talked about them? - and starts on a tirade of how much they utterly cherish Silona, for that is what they are known to do. A weird ghost lurked in the corner, and Spirit decided that maybe they should be asleep instead of causing inane chaos. 

And Sky was there too, saddened because despite the fact that this story was penned by SEVEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE none of them remembered to include the poor sky child. It’s okay though, he had Gritty the sexiest being alive.

The End. 

**Author's Note:**

> Or… is it?
> 
> It is motherfathers
> 
> It will never end, fuck you.
> 
> No it’s the end we said it was, god (god is named JOhn Mulaney and Spooderman and Sanic the horgeheg) fucking dammit. 
> 
> Have a nice day! :D This is actually the end, I promise.
> 
> I sure hope so!! I wanna go and like. Nap! I’ve been trapped here for ten gazillion years! 
> 
> This is the fic that never ends, it goes on and on my friends
> 
> We’re stuck in limbo… please send help.
> 
> Idk limbo’s pretty fun broskis
> 
> Im tired and i havnt eaten in years. eats the souls of the innocent. i hear they are tastey
> 
> Please dont eat me D: V O R E N O !!!!!!!!
> 
> Y’all need a snickers
> 
> EAT OR BE EATEN. (Amen to that borther) Watcha gon do? Die. That’s what I’ll do. 
> 
> Please don’t die lol. consume bread. Noooooo!!! D: Don’t worry loaf I won’t eat bread I love you too much <333333 THANK ILY2 <3333333
> 
> Mood tho
> 
> *Stares into the camera like im in the office*
> 
> GUYS EVERYONE STOP ALREADY nah :3
> 
> BITCH   
> UWUDONT YOU DARE DELETE ME 
> 
> VORE B RE AD no i refuse
> 
> wat gay, do cfrime
> 
> This is why god will kill us all in three days
> 
> good i hope i die tonight
> 
> THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS YALL!
> 
> The end. I said so this text is big so THE END
> 
> Or is it,,,? (Jin i appreciate you) (UwU)
> 
> we can never be stopeped.
> 
> THE END????  
> Yes. 
> 
> Perhaps.\
> 
> Mayhaps. Mayhaps. Yes. 
> 
> Now it’s the end
> 
> The end!!
> 
> Or is it…?
> 
> Yeehaw


End file.
